Apparatus Of The Ultimate Power

by The Haermorrhoids

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1.
Where is my wank tin From the japanese drug store? I'm so excited, never used it before I really need that new banana slicer Cut everything to pieces with a nicer dicer A gadget for all my problems The apparatus of the ultimate power Like a segway vacuum cleaner The apparatus of the ultimate power When you've got a screeching windscrean-wiper-car Use a windscreen wiper blade trimmer When you face a blizzard with lightning blasts You better wear a special plastic snow storm mask
2.
Fake 01:26
Hey you jerk you're talking shit Shut up you don't get it You spend all your money to be cool and rad To all the fashion zombies You've got no attitude Your appearance makes me puke You don't know how to dress today You can't decide what you should wear You're afraid that people hate your style You'll never get it right you are a fake Destroy your jeans make them look used Your magazines, your guiding line Not realizing you’re just mind-controlled
3.
Mental Crap 01:09
Oh please don't talk to me no more There must be something wrong inside your head You're preaching that my life is crap While your sad appearance makes me sick You've stopped trying to think for yourself With your book of fairy tales The way you talk, the things you say To listen to your words is a pain in the ass To me its only mental crap You lost your brain your mind is dead You've stopped trying to think for yourself With your book of fairy tales
4.
Degeneration in front of your TV screen Degeneration in front of your TV screen Mouthful of junk food, a beer can in your hand Crippled mind, nothing running through your brain No more And you love to have your cheese fries while You're watching crap on television Degenerate! You lost your sense of time The germs are taking over at the peak Of your decline Triple bacon cheese fries burgers Caused nasty skid marks in your underpants yeah In your underpants And you love to have your cheese fries while You're watching crap on television You hang around with your friends The maggots from your underpants Maggonts from the underpants
5.
Sk8 01:26
I just wanna grab my board and ride I just wanna rip it up from day to night Frontside grind in the backyard bowl I don't care if I lose control Let's skate Common let's skate Let's act like apes! We shred the city under the sun skate and destroy is so much fun Police car close behind our backs You'll never get rid of us, we're like a plague!
6.
Always trying to make it to the top You want to be the leader of the pack Hey work jerk! Hey sadistic pig! You love to treat people like shit A big hand for you You tripped yourself up You're totally fucked A big hand for you I'm cracking up You’re a power-abusing dickhead Monday morning you penetrate your doll You've got no friends cause you a wank her all day long Hey work jerk! Hey sadistic pig! You love to treat people like shit
7.
I don't share your opinion 'bout the status quo I've got my own plan, Which is not your plan I'm not society's whore Go go kill the shitheads I don't follow your stupid rules I blow your mind with all these things I do Fuck you! I ain't no moron and i will just go on As I always did Call me an asshole, call me a loser You are a god damned prick
8.
Overdose 02:17
You collapsed in the bathroom I heard you puking, couldn't help I called your name, couldn't make out no reaction Feared the worst about you Oh Oh Overdose I fell asleep, couldn't do anything anymore I was on a trip, you bit the dust I passed out, could not move no more Too fucked to help, no control You were your own worst enemy Now you're dead
9.
PT-boat on the way to Havana I used to make a living, man Pickin' the banana Now I'm a guide for the CIA Hooray for the USA! Baby, baby, make me loco Baby, baby, make me mambo Sent to spy on a Cuban talent show First stop - Havana au go-go I used to make a living, man Pickin' the banana Hooray for Havana!
10.
My grandpa was a druid A crazy weird guy He showed me how to roll blunts The finest shit for high You start up with a paper You need to fill it up You put a filter in Make sure there is no gap We've got the finest high Munchies & swollen eyes Weed! Weed! Weed! Is everything you need To get a nicer sleep Won't need to count no sheep Make sure you don't put much Tobacco inside You wanna keep it pure For an intensive high We blowdumb We roll our blunts No tobacco inside Munchies & swollen eyes
11.
12.
1984 01:46
She changed my diapers And gave me food She was so lovely, cuddly too She was the best woman in this world The only woman in my life She kept me satisfied Always safe and sound at mommy's place I became a weenie 1984 I crashed my car against a wall When I peed into my bed My mom always cleaned up my mess Until I was 35 years old Never cared about nuthin' She solved all my filthy problems I lived in a fairy tale Oh yeah! 1984 I crashed my car against a wall 1984 She passed away
13.
I crashed my car against the wall Destroyed my body No arms, no legs no more Totally fucked, lying there on the floor I was brought to the army For a filthy research project They replaced my broken parts With some kind of cybernetic objects Instead of my balls I've got a nuclear reactor Which makes me fart Deadly chemical ass-gases They pimped me up, they pimped me up! With my new x-ray eyes Now i can see everything I'm the nuclear power x-ray man I'm the nuclear power x-ray man I'm the nuclear power x-ray man And I x-ray you to death Cause I'm the nuclear power x-ray man My new arms got so much power That i can't control them anymore Without motoric abilities I'm only able to destroy I turned left, then I turned right
14.
They’ve put me in a rocket and shot me into universe No ticket to return, no way back to mother earth My crappy spaceship was build by amateurs and jerks Warning signals, boarding system fucked My rocket self-destructs! Lost in space yeah The astronaut food, I had to puke The astronaut food is not good The astronaut food, I had to puke The astronaut food is not good Drifting towards a black hole The universe's asshole Shit me out into another dimension I wanna see the alienation Lost in space Trapped in a shitty place Shit me out Into another dimension I wanna see the alienation
15.
DNA 01:00
Left with a bad DNA I’ve got a bad DNA So fat and ugly you think i stink I don't give a damn what people think You treat me like an animal You think i am asexual Left with a bad DNA I’ve got a bad DNA I'm not blessed with grace Have a look into my face My nasty genes fuck you up I don't care just shut the fuck up Shut up, Shut up! Get the fuck out of my way!
16.
I'm so useless I'm so useless & fucked! (repeat as often as required in order to make you feel less useless & fucked)
17.
Fucked by a goat He cut through it's throat He mixed up excrements He was a crazy dude Recreational drug abuse Scary wicked perv The shape of his head Looked like his tiny glans He was a fucked up creep Aleister Crowley Mental crap on Heroin Aleister Crowley oh yeah! What happened on your mind While you were drinking sperm? Manson liked you style You've chased your dreams On Heroin Total carnage in the brain
18.
I'm rejecting all the people My nature makes me to Sick and tired of the community Fuck those who are untrue Can't get along with anybody People acting kind of strange They seem to be retarded Only I walk the real way I don't play games With uncool morons They bring me down Get the fuck out of my way I'm better off alone yeah They are failur es to the bone yeah I cannot stand their state of mine They are wrong and I am right I don't wanna hear your I don't wanna hear your I don't wanna hear your shit no more! I don't wanna hear your I don't wanna hear your shit! Get the fuck out of my way!
19.
Traitor Cunt 02:15
You're looking like a long hair jesus cunt I hate your band, a bunch of ignorance I want you to eat my shit You suck! You stabbed me in the back I fell into your trap Stop messing with my head You dirty fucked up rat Gotta beat the brat! Gotta beat the brat! Gotta beat the brat! And I hate assholes like you You're a traitor cunt And I hate your fucked up band You're a traitor cunt You suck! I'm gonna let you eat my shit Come on, come on swallow it! You're gonna get what you deserve You suck! Don't ever fuck with me again If you will that shit’s gonna hit the fan Gotta beat the brat! Gotta beat the brat!
20.
I have met my girlfriend's dad Worst weekend I've ever had He calls me a brat and drives me mad To him I'm nothing but a fool It doesn't matter what I do I wish so badly he were cool “Your band sucks” is what he said With a badass attitude “Crappy songs, badly performed Your lyrics made me puke” My girlfriend's dad He said: “You look like a pimpled nerd Thick glasses and Descendents shirt In your skinny jeans your balls look like a cunt” He was drunk and pretty pissed He smashed his bottle in my face Cause he doesn't wan me at his place Dragged me out of the front door Wiped myself over the floor Now I cannot meet my girl no more He said: “You look like a pimpled nerd Thick glasses and Nerf Herder shirt In your skinny jeans your balls look like a cunt

about

CASSETTE
LPSR021, July 13th 2018

THE HAERMORRHOIDS are a band. They're from Hamburg and they play punk rock. They've formed some years ago and played at cool places with other bands. Their songs are fast and melodic and they kick ass. Don't believe us? Only one way to find out. Go watch THE HAERMORRHOIDS when they're in your area. You might like 'em. One guy's name is Greg.

credits

released July 13, 2018

THE HAERMORRHOIDS are:
Greg: guitar/vocals
Yannick: drums/vocals
Nils: bass/vocals

All songs written and performed by THE HAERMORRHOIDS
Except “Havana Affair”, which was written by the RAMONES

The music was recorded at SLANDERS' rehearsal space in January of 2017
The vocals were recorded in the spring of 2018 at Rawcat Recordings

Produced, mixed and mastered by Greg at Rawcat Recordings

Cover: Marcus Schäfer
Layout: Sarah Friedrichsen
Photo: Vanessa Fehst

We would like to thank:
Slanders, The Dutts, La Pochette Surprise Records, Wild Wax Shows, Komet Musik Bar, Molotow, Kathi, Sunny, Marcus, Sarah, Vanessa, Aleister, Fabse, Velvet, Jens, Baster, Ralf, our moms and dads, all our families and friends, ourselves and you for giving a shit.

Released and published by La Pochette Surprise Records, 2018.

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