Apparatus Of The Ultimate Power

by The Haermorrhoids

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about

CASSETTE
LPSR021, July 13th 2018

THE HAERMORRHOIDS are a band. They're from Hamburg and they play punk rock. They've formed some years ago and played at cool places with other bands. Their songs are fast and melodic and they kick ass. Don't believe us? Only one way to find out. Go watch THE HAERMORRHOIDS when they're in your area. You might like 'em. One guy's name is Greg.

credits

released July 13, 2018

THE HAERMORRHOIDS are:
Greg: guitar/vocals
Yannick: drums/vocals
Nils: bass/vocals

All songs written and performed by THE HAERMORRHOIDS
Except “Havana Affair”, which was written by the RAMONES

The music was recorded at SLANDERS' rehearsal space in January of 2017
The vocals were recorded in the spring of 2018 at Rawcat Recordings

Produced, mixed and mastered by Greg at Rawcat Recordings

Cover: Marcus Schäfer
Layout: Sarah Friedrichsen
Photo: Vanessa Fehst

We would like to thank:
Slanders, The Dutts, La Pochette Surprise Records, Wild Wax Shows, Komet Musik Bar, Molotow, Kathi, Sunny, Marcus, Sarah, Vanessa, Aleister, Fabse, Velvet, Jens, Baster, Ralf, our moms and dads, all our families and friends, ourselves and you for giving a shit.

Released and published by La Pochette Surprise Records, 2018.

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all rights reserved

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la pochette surprise records Hamburg, Germany

hamburg based record label.

home of:
Blackbird Mantra.
Cialis.
Death Canyons.
Die Cigaretten
Dolphin Lovers.
Dutts.
Glintshake.
Haermorrhoids.
Lyschko.
Melting Palms.
montage.
My Friend Peter.
O'Joe Tarantula.
Oscar und die Eitelkeit.
Saschi Kavalier.
Sgt. Cooper.
Sick Hyenas.
Swutscher.
Strato.
SUCK.
wearemarvin.
Warm Swords.
... more

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Track Name: Apparatus Of The Ultimate Power
Where is my wank tin
From the japanese drug store?
I'm so excited, never used it before
I really need that new banana slicer
Cut everything to pieces with a nicer dicer

A gadget for all my problems
The apparatus of the ultimate power
Like a segway vacuum cleaner
The apparatus of the ultimate power

When you've got a screeching windscrean-wiper-car
Use a windscreen wiper blade trimmer
When you face a blizzard with lightning blasts
You better wear a special plastic snow storm mask
Track Name: Fake
Hey you jerk you're talking shit
Shut up you don't get it
You spend all your money to be cool and rad

To all the fashion zombies
You've got no attitude
Your appearance makes me puke

You don't know how to dress today
You can't decide what you should wear
You're afraid that people hate your style

You'll never get it right you are a fake

Destroy your jeans make them look used
Your magazines, your guiding line
Not realizing you’re just mind-controlled
Track Name: Mental Crap
Oh please don't talk to me no more
There must be something wrong inside your head
You're preaching that my life is crap
While your sad appearance makes me sick

You've stopped trying to think for yourself
With your book of fairy tales

The way you talk, the things you say
To listen to your words is a pain in the ass
To me its only mental crap
You lost your brain your mind is dead

You've stopped trying to think for yourself
With your book of fairy tales
Track Name: Maggots From The Underpants
Degeneration in front of your TV screen
Degeneration in front of your TV screen
Mouthful of junk food, a beer can in your hand
Crippled mind, nothing running through your brain
No more

And you love to have your cheese fries while
You're watching crap on television

Degenerate! You lost your sense of time
The germs are taking over at the peak
Of your decline
Triple bacon cheese fries burgers
Caused nasty skid marks in your underpants yeah
In your underpants

And you love to have your cheese fries while
You're watching crap on television
You hang around with your friends
The maggots from your underpants

Maggonts from the underpants
Track Name: Sk8
I just wanna grab my board and ride
I just wanna rip it up from day to night
Frontside grind in the backyard bowl
I don't care if I lose control

Let's skate
Common let's skate

Let's act like apes!
We shred the city under the sun
skate and destroy is so much fun
Police car close behind our backs
You'll never get rid of us, we're like a plague!
Track Name: Power Abusing Dickhead
Always trying to make it to the top
You want to be the leader of the pack
Hey work jerk! Hey sadistic pig!
You love to treat people like shit

A big hand for you
You tripped yourself up
You're totally fucked
A big hand for you
I'm cracking up
You’re a power-abusing dickhead

Monday morning you penetrate your doll
You've got no friends cause you a wank her all day long
Hey work jerk! Hey sadistic pig!
You love to treat people like shit
Track Name: Kill The Shitheads
I don't share your opinion
'bout the status quo
I've got my own plan,
Which is not your plan
I'm not society's whore

Go go kill the shitheads
I don't follow your stupid rules
I blow your mind with all these things I do
Fuck you!

I ain't no moron and i will just go on
As I always did
Call me an asshole, call me a loser
You are a god damned prick
Track Name: Overdose
You collapsed in the bathroom
I heard you puking, couldn't help
I called your name, couldn't make out no reaction
Feared the worst about you

Oh Oh Overdose

I fell asleep, couldn't do anything anymore
I was on a trip, you bit the dust
I passed out, could not move no more
Too fucked to help, no control

You were your own worst enemy
Now you're dead
Track Name: Havana Affair
PT-boat on the way to Havana
I used to make a living, man
Pickin' the banana
Now I'm a guide for the CIA
Hooray for the USA!
Baby, baby, make me loco
Baby, baby, make me mambo
Sent to spy on a Cuban talent show
First stop - Havana au go-go
I used to make a living, man
Pickin' the banana
Hooray for Havana!
Track Name: Munchies And Swollen Eyes
My grandpa was a druid
A crazy weird guy
He showed me how to roll blunts
The finest shit for high
You start up with a paper
You need to fill it up
You put a filter in
Make sure there is no gap

We've got the finest high
Munchies & swollen eyes

Weed! Weed! Weed!
Is everything you need
To get a nicer sleep
Won't need to count no sheep
Make sure you don't put much
Tobacco inside
You wanna keep it pure
For an intensive high

We blowdumb
We roll our blunts
No tobacco inside
Munchies & swollen eyes
Track Name: 1984
She changed my diapers
And gave me food
She was so lovely, cuddly too
She was the best woman in this world
The only woman in my life
She kept me satisfied
Always safe and sound at mommy's place
I became a weenie

1984
I crashed my car against a wall

When I peed into my bed
My mom always cleaned up my mess
Until I was 35 years old
Never cared about nuthin'
She solved all my filthy problems
I lived in a fairy tale
Oh yeah!

1984
I crashed my car against a wall
1984
She passed away
Track Name: Nuclear Power X-Ray Man
I crashed my car against the wall
Destroyed my body
No arms, no legs no more
Totally fucked, lying there on the floor

I was brought to the army
For a filthy research project
They replaced my broken parts
With some kind of cybernetic objects

Instead of my balls
I've got a nuclear reactor
Which makes me fart
Deadly chemical ass-gases

They pimped me up, they pimped me up!

With my new x-ray eyes
Now i can see everything

I'm the nuclear power x-ray man
I'm the nuclear power x-ray man
I'm the nuclear power x-ray man
And I x-ray you to death
Cause I'm the nuclear power x-ray man

My new arms got so much power
That i can't control them anymore
Without motoric abilities
I'm only able to destroy

I turned left, then I turned right
Track Name: Lost In Space
They’ve put me in a rocket and shot me into universe
No ticket to return, no way back to mother earth
My crappy spaceship was build by amateurs and jerks
Warning signals, boarding system fucked
My rocket self-destructs!

Lost in space yeah

The astronaut food, I had to puke
The astronaut food is not good
The astronaut food, I had to puke
The astronaut food is not good

Drifting towards a black hole
The universe's asshole
Shit me out into another dimension
I wanna see the alienation

Lost in space
Trapped in a shitty place
Shit me out
Into another dimension
I wanna see the alienation
Track Name: DNA
Left with a bad DNA
I’ve got a bad DNA

So fat and ugly you think i stink
I don't give a damn what people think
You treat me like an animal
You think i am asexual

Left with a bad DNA
I’ve got a bad DNA

I'm not blessed with grace
Have a look into my face
My nasty genes fuck you up
I don't care just shut the fuck up

Shut up, Shut up!
Get the fuck out of my way!
Track Name: Useless & Fucked
I'm so useless
I'm so useless & fucked!

(repeat as often as required
in order to make you feel
less useless & fucked)
Track Name: Alleister Crowley
Fucked by a goat
He cut through it's throat
He mixed up excrements
He was a crazy dude
Recreational drug abuse
Scary wicked perv

The shape of his head
Looked like his tiny glans
He was a fucked up creep
Aleister Crowley
Mental crap on Heroin
Aleister Crowley oh yeah!

What happened on your mind
While you were drinking sperm?
Manson liked you style
You've chased your dreams
On Heroin
Total carnage in the brain
Track Name: Mind Of A Douchebag
I'm rejecting all the people
My nature makes me to
Sick and tired of the community
Fuck those who are untrue

Can't get along with anybody
People acting kind of strange
They seem to be retarded
Only I walk the real way

I don't play games
With uncool morons
They bring me down
Get the fuck out of my way

I'm better off alone yeah
They are failur
es to the bone yeah
I cannot stand their state of mine
They are wrong and I am right

I don't wanna hear your
I don't wanna hear your
I don't wanna hear your shit no more!

I don't wanna hear your
I don't wanna hear your shit!

Get the fuck out of my way!
Track Name: Traitor Cunt
You're looking like a long hair jesus cunt
I hate your band, a bunch of ignorance
I want you to eat my shit
You suck!

You stabbed me in the back
I fell into your trap
Stop messing with my head
You dirty fucked up rat
Gotta beat the brat!
Gotta beat the brat!
Gotta beat the brat!

And I hate assholes like you
You're a traitor cunt
And I hate your fucked up band
You're a traitor cunt
You suck!

I'm gonna let you eat my shit
Come on, come on swallow it!
You're gonna get what you deserve
You suck!

Don't ever fuck with me again
If you will that shit’s gonna hit the fan
Gotta beat the brat!
Gotta beat the brat!
Track Name: My Girlfriend's Dad
I have met my girlfriend's dad
Worst weekend I've ever had
He calls me a brat and drives me mad
To him I'm nothing but a fool
It doesn't matter what I do
I wish so badly he were cool

“Your band sucks” is what he said
With a badass attitude
“Crappy songs, badly performed
Your lyrics made me puke”

My girlfriend's dad

He said: “You look like a pimpled nerd
Thick glasses and Descendents shirt
In your skinny jeans your balls look like a cunt”

He was drunk and pretty pissed
He smashed his bottle in my face
Cause he doesn't wan me at his place
Dragged me out of the front door
Wiped myself over the floor
Now I cannot meet my girl no more

He said: “You look like a pimpled nerd
Thick glasses and Nerf Herder shirt
In your skinny jeans your balls look like a cunt

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